Feeling 1000x better after eating lunch and taking Tylenol. Very thankful.
I’ve been feeling really “off” for the past 24+ hours. Yesterday I didn’t feel hungry for breakfast, but made myself eat anyway. Spent too long reading later that morning, and had a rushed lunch before work [a.k.a had a Lean Cuisine]. Ate snacks at work when I wasn’t hungry. Came home. Was sort of hungry…and also tired, grumpy, confused, and headache-y. Binged. Not the worst binge, but still a binge. Argued with Doug. We didn’t end up making/eating dinner until almost 10:00pm.
Wasn’t hungry this morning [surprise surprise]. Ate breakfast anyway. Had a snack that I was hungry for. Still have a headache. I mean, it went away and came back. I can’t tell if I’m hungry right now or not. This weather is making me depressed. I have a headache, my eyes are watery, and I feel sort of nauseous/dizzy. I just want to go home and crawl under a blanket and watch Netflix. I want to lie underneath my desk, actually. Even though the carpet in here is disgusting.
I don’t really know why I’m feeling so mentally/emotionally off. Three days of no exercise. Wedding-related stress. A little financial stress. I’ve been having weird dreams lately. I’m tired of feeling like crap. My body is STILL sore from all of the ladder-climbing, stretching, lifting, and hanging I did at my other job this week. I need better shoes for work. I need to figure out a way to wake myself up so I can get through the next four hours without caffeine. I need to stop letting my emails pile up and sit unanswered in my Inbox. I need to take someTylenol.
Rain, rain go away. Along with this funk I seem to be in.
- Sleeping in
- Good sex
- Lounging around
- Desperate Housewives
- Checking off some wedding to-do’s
- Making awesome Memorial Day plans
- Working out
- Huge salad for lunch
- Liverpool game re-run
- Lounging around
- Getting dressed
- Starbuck’s [first time in > 1 year]
- Free popcorn at the bank
- Goodwill hunting
- Waiting for our friend
- Trader Joe’s run
- Making baked mac n cheese together
- Probably some drinking
According to the Disney Honeymoon Registry representative I just spoke with, if we want to guarantee we’ll receive/do any of the things on our registry, we have to pay for them ourselves in advance. Otherwise, what will happen is that someone could buy us a dinner at a nice restaurant and they won’t have any reservations available during our honeymoon, and that person will have wasted >$100. We don’t have hundreds of extra dollars lying around to pre-pay for all of these things that we HOPE people will give us. And yes, we waited way too long to start this honeymoon reservation process, BUT UGH I AM SO FRUSTRATED.
However I need to take a deep breath because the important thing is WE’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD and staying in a Disney resort and i don’t care if we eat PB&J for every meal.
Today I am feeling: happy, confident, beautiful, and satisfied.
I just stopped compulsive eating // what was about to turn into a binge. By simply saying “NO” out loud to myself in a very firm voice.
-I finally went for a run. After not running for about a week…or exercising much at all. I burned myself out again. I have decided no longer to train for anything or follow a training program of any kind. Instead, I’m just designating specific days of the week for specific workouts: Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday are run days. Monday and Friday are cross-training & strength days. Wednesday is kind of an open book. Saturday is a rest day. Obviously if I need or want to rest on other days that’s okay. I think this is going to work a lot better for me. No set distances; just running as long as I want. Doing what feels good and what is intuitive. Today I ran for an hour / about 4.5 miles. Pretty slow pace, lots of walking due to the extreme tightness in my calves. I think it’s time for new running shoes. I still want to maintain a running diary of sorts, but I’m not going to title the posts “13.2” anymore.
-Insanely busy day at work. But as stressed as I sometimes get at work [at my primary job], I am very thankful that neither of my jobs leave me chronically, perpetually stressed out. i have experienced that before and it’s absolutely terrible. I am able to leave work-related stresses at work and I try not to dwell on bad things that happen at work once I’ve clocked out for the day.
-Made this AMAZING new recipe. I’ll post about it at some point. I actually keep a running list of specific blog posts I want to write, so don’t worry.
-Proceeded to drop my dinner onto the floor. Freaked out a little. Doug helped me clean up, and then we decided to just grab something to eat, because I didn’t have much else I could cook for myself. I took Doug’s portion to work for lunch on Saturday.
-Went to Friendly’s and had some not-so-good-for-you-but-very-tasty food. And an awesome, hilarious waitress. She truly made my night.
-Watched Elementary [best. show. ever]. Went to bed.
-Worked all day. Stressful afternoon. Got out almost a half hour late. Rushed to pick up Doug so we could drive to the T to get to Boston for my sister’s birthday dinner. Luckily my parents were able to push back our reservation.
-Had an AMAZING meal in the North End [for all you non-Bostonians/New Englanders, the North End is the Italian neighborhood in Boston..and it’s the best]!! My parents, my sister & her boyfriend, Doug and I, and my grandfather & his girlfriend.
-Aforementioned amazing meal included a lot of good stuff. I ate what I wanted and didn’t think about restriction at all. What I wanted ended up being: 1 glass of wine; 2 roasted red pepper strips, 2 small pieces of bread, 1 piece of salami, 1 piece of prosciutto, 1 small wedge of Parmesan [obviously we got antipasto!], 4-5 pieces of calamari, and half of my entree, which was something called chicken maranga…basically rigatoni in pink sauce [tomato + cream] with mushrooms and the most delicious chicken ever, topped with mozzarella and baked. YUM.
-Walked around for a while, ended up crammed at a tiny table in a tiny cafe, had my first cappucino in maybe a year? SO GOOD. And one bite of tiramisu.
-Walked to Mike’s Pastry [famous famous place] and bought a cannoli and a cream puff. I did not want to wait in the line to get in, but Doug insisted.
-My sister drove us back to our car at the T station. I ate my cream puff on the way. No, I wasn’t hungry for it, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Along with her insane driving and loud music.
-Got home around midnight and went promptly to bed.
-Woke up and went for a run. Made a huge breakfast [scrambled eggs with broccoli, onions, peppers, basil, and a sprinkle of Parmesan; 2 pieces of toast; berries] and homemade iced coffee.
-Got ready for work; drove Doug to his car where he left it last night & then drove to work.
-Caught up on some paperwork & did my filing.
-SITTING HERE WRITING THIS!
-For the next four hours of my shift: coupons, meal planning & grocery list-writing; reading GoT; having lunch; Internet
-I was supposed to go out tonight with some of my coworkers from my other job, but I am just not feeling it. I’ve had more alcohol in the past few days than I am accustomed to and I just don’t want to drink anymore or even go out to a bar/restaurant. Too much eating out lately. I just want a quiet night at home. Doug has a thing w/ his friends, and I want alone time because I need to just…be. Alone. Lol. I am an introvert so it’s not weird for me, but I realize it might sound weird.
-SO after I get out of work: grocery shopping & weekly cleaning of the apartment. And then I’m just going to straight up CHILL: Desperate Housewives, and maybe I’ll paint my nails. WOOT.
TL;DR: Had a good weekend. Making more progress in terms of ED recovery. My family is great. I love Boston. Life is good.
One of these again. I work at a rather large car dealership as a receptionist/cashier. Most of my day consists of sitting in my office doing nothing. When I AM working, I’m taking people’s money [lol], closing out service invoices, printing & copying things, generating receipts for car sales, and filing old invoices. I also answer the phones, transfer calls, takes messages, etc. On Saturdays I go to the bank & post office. All in all it’s a great job…easy and not stressful. The latter is especially important to me.
SO ANYWAY. Here’s what I need to do today:
Sort invoices that need to be filed. Get all of the invoices in the other room in order. File the invoices in here [2009-2013]. Call the people who left their mail here yesterday. Make time cards. Email Mark re: Alicia’s message. Go to the bank. Go to the post office.
I would like to get this all done by noon so then I can relax for a couple hours before the rush and read Game of Thrones. Yes? Yes.
Anonymous asked: I saw that you wrote you didnt binge for some time. Could you give me some advice. I need it! Thankssss xxx
In the past month I’ve binged three times. Obviously I am longing for the day that number is zero, but that may never be the case. I think an important thing to keep in mind is that for certain people [not everyone] who have struggled with bingeing or compulsive or emotional eating for a long time, bingeing on occasion may just be a reality for them. I feel that for me, this is the case. My goal will never be to avoid bingeing forever, because that is highly unlikely. I would like to get my binges down to once a month, and then maybe like…I dunno, just VERY occasionally. Not like “planned” episodes of overeating, but just knowing once in a while I will binge, and being okay with that. Perfection is impossible.
That being said, I think the main thing that has changed for me is that I’ve begun to retrain my mind. Previously when I was bored, lonely, angry, sad, or stressed, my impulse would be to turn to food. My impulses have changed, and although sometimes it feels like they just changed on their own, I know I have been doing work to change them. Over the past six months, I’ve slowly [very slowly] begun reaching for things other than food when I’m in a bad mood. Books, exercise, other people, Netflix, painting my nails, having water or tea, etc. I’ve been trying really hard to think of food as fuel for my body and not in such an emotional way.
Other more tangible/concrete things I’ve done: I try to portion out foods I’m likely to binge on, such as trail mix. I’ve found I will rarely binge on something if it’s portioned into single serving bags. There are certain foods I still avoid purchasing because the temptation is too strong. I hope that someday I will be able to buy whatever I want, but I’m not ready for that yet. Eating regular meals (3) and snacks (usually 2) for me is key. Skipping meals or snacks almost always ends in a binge for me. That means sometimes I have a snack even if I’m not THAT hungry, in order to prevent a binge later on.
Well that’s it for now- I hope some of that was helpful!
My best friend might have breast cancer, so the fact that I binged and had a shit day seem pretty trivial at the moment. I just don’t have much to say right now because all I can think about is her. She’s 20 years old.
And all day I just keep screaming at the universe inside my head, and crying because this is not fair. How is this happening? I know there is no answer. I just feel so angry and scared and sad. I just want to give her a hug. She has an emergency mammogram tomorrow at 7am.
- having the windows open constantly, even though it’s still too cold some of the time.
- finally having screens for all of our windows.
- trying to keep plants alive & constantly wanting to buy more. even though i’ll probably kill them all.
- highly anticipating the arrival of our new couch [not for a few weeks, though].
- doing laundry because that’s a thing we can do now.
- iced coffee, but caffeine, i have to say goodbye. again.
- no more school till late august.
- and consequently having time to do other stuff / thinking about what i want to spend time on this summer. so far: re-reading game of thrones, making stuff, playing guitar, learning to ride a bike, and wedding planning [never-ending]. sounds good.
- buying animal collective tickets. ohmahgah
- walking around the apartment naked. and forgetting to close the blinds.
- peas. i want to eat peas in everything.
- my youtube addiction.
- desperate housewives.
- ignoring the dryer alarm [which i am doing right now].
- jumping around between the ultimate laziness and the super productive-ness.
- needing to go through all of my notes, etc. from this semester.
- wondering how i did on the nutrition exam i took today but not caring that much.
Having an eating disorder // tendency to get obsessed with exercise is tricky. I planned to run today and I just truly do not want to. I am exhausted, have a bad headache [thanks caffeine withdrawal] and just feel blah. A run might make me feel better but the unfortunate truth of the matter is I do not want to run. not even a little bit. And my runs are ALWAYS great when I want to run [80-90% of the time] and yeah, sometimes great runs come out of forcing yourself to get out there when you don’t want to, but right now I want to lie in bed and watch Netflix, and that’s okay, too. I don’t have to ALWAYS workout 6 days a week every week. It’s okay if I only exercise 3 or 4 times this week. or other weeks. I don’t have to train for a half-marathon in exactly 12 weeks. The world will not end if that doesn’t happen.
The only rules I have to follow are the ones I impose upon myself. Which is why I’m trying super hard not to force rules, guidelines, and unrealistic expectations upon myself. My number one focus HAS to be recovery: being gentler with myself, letting myself relax, not feeling guilt relating to food and exercise. In my heart I know this is what I have to make my number one priority, at least right now. Who knows, maybe someday running will be my number one priority [well number two really, after friends & family] again, but right now is not the time for that.
On an unrelated note, I got a 93% on the final I took today! Technically, I should have a 94% because the answer on the answer key to one of the question is totally wrong. Just emailed my professor about it, which felt excellent because she is rude and has no respect for students.
Anyway. Time for some Netflix and getting cozy in bed, and then who knows what the night has in store? ;)